3.02.2016

Self Portraits with My Newborn
















I really love these photos. My most recent mini photo project. These pictures come from basically the first month of Agnes's life. It's a time when we were pretty much inseparable. Lots and lots of nursing, holding, sleeping on me, diaper changes (and outfit changes), and fussy times pacing around the house.  My best guess is that she is my last baby and so I've really been trying to enjoy it as much as possible, and this little series of photos is my reflection of that. Not that I didn't enjoy my other babies. But I think with both of them I had other stronger emotions that stood in the way of the joy I wanted to feel more often than I wish they did:  a lot of fear and anxiety of being a completely clueless new mom (Dylan), and sadly, undiagnosed postpartum depression along with a colicky/refluxy newborn (Aaron). Not wanting to relive either of those struggles I made the decision to get the help I should have last time around early on and it is making all the difference in the world as I learn to mother Agnes. While we have our challenging times (because taking care of a baby is tough no matter what), for the most part I feel like I can handle things well, I feel more like myself, and I can actually enjoy my days, not only with her, but with the boys as well and with the family as a whole.  As hard as it was to admit that something was wrong and that I needed help, I'm so glad I did. Postpartum depression sucked, a lot.  I'm so grateful for all the people out there working to get rid of the stigma against mental health because that, along with support from my husband, finally gave me the courage to admit my struggles, ask for help, and be optimistic that things could get better. And they have (it takes work). So so so much better.  I don't know that many people read this blog any more, and I don't really care too much about that anyway, I just wanted to document and share this for anyone who does read and for myself, as a reminder just in case my darkness comes back, that there's a way back to the light.